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Wash My Soul

from Hey Mama by Cara Lee

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It is now time to revise this song write up. April 2020: The COVID19 Era.

I wrote this song in October 2010. At the time, I was struggling to get the same kind of love that I had for someone back in return. As I struggled to feel self confident, because I was unable to read him, I became clingy. Physics tells us that a force has an equal and opposite reaction. So, the harder I pushed, the further I pushed him away, and the worse I began to feel. Something had to give. So I wrote this song. It was sort of a journal in music form. I was attempting convince myself that I needed to let go, and let things unfold. I needed to be in the moment. I needed to go with the current and enjoy the ride.

In many ways, I was right, those are great ideals to help us live happily, and we are only able to change and grow within ourselves. It’s also true that we can’t control how others feel or behave. What took me 7 toxic years to learn is that we can control what we accept for ourselves. Hindsight showed me that I would have been right to trust my gut. I knew something was wrong, and I ignored it. I pushed myself away from myself.

No sacrifice comes without gain, if you grow and look for the lesson, you’ll find it. Luckily, therapy saved me. I learned how to talk about myself to myself. How to trust myself. I learned that in love, we shouldn’t need to push. True love finds us at the same time we seek it. It validates us. It builds us up through loving and gentle challenge as opposed to toxic and destructive challenge. True love is equally given and taken and never makes one question their self worth.

Now I will dedicate this song to myself. I will dedicate it to the Self. Here’s the true lesson. True love happens when you love yourself enough to not settle for what you know you deserve. If you allow crap, crap is what you get. If you don’t allow it, you have to be strong enough to say, ‘no more!’ and accept the work that comes after that decision. Is it easy? No way, not on your life. But how I made my choice was to realize that my situation was already not easy. It was the devil I knew.

To know I had a choice, was a double edge sword. It was hope and terror all twisted together. Nevertheless, I could still make a choice. Choice is freedom. Freedom is like air. We need air. We need choice. But what do we do when choice is taken from us?

CORONAVIRUS is the thief that came in the night. It stole our hearts, our businesses, our family members, our hope. Worst of all, it stole our ability to choose. It literally has taken the breath out of so many of us. We need air. We are faced with a true victim scenario. Not the kind where we play a victim role, but really we could do the work and escape. This is the kind of victim who didn’t choose to be in this position, and doesn’t have a way to escape. No choice. No air. We need air.

How do we replace this necessary element for survival? We make change where change is possible. We find the choices that remain, and we go for gold. We are in a massive current. There is no way to go upstream. Our choice becomes acceptance. We lose someone, it hurts so bad. Our only option is acceptance. The hurt doesn’t disappear, so we choose how to deal with it. We don’t ignore it, or it will consume us.

When the choice we want to make is not an option, we must seek out an option. Even if that option is to sit in it, to feel it, to release it, to process it. We do have choices. We do have air. We need air. So breath. Breath again. Breath again, and never stop until breathing is the last choice taken from you.

I make no claim that breathing is always an easy task. Some days, Our entire effort is spent solely on taking the next inhale. If you are tired, reach out. If you see someone tired, reach out. We all breath the same air.

If nobody has told you today that they love you, let me say it. I love you. You are worth the next breath. You are worthy to share my air, just as I am worthy to share yours.

This song is free. If you donate, it will be going to support mental health programs for those affected by covid.

I’m not making music anymore, but I needed this song today. Maybe you do to.

lyrics

This feeling seems stuck like melted sugar. Like it's so sweet, the pie got spoiled. I'm trying to wash it clear in the river, play and splash like a child in rain boots, sing it away with a rhythm.
Chorus:
Wash my soul in the river, wash my soul in the river. Fill my rain boots to the brim, trust that happiness will win and, wash my soul in the river.
My face in the water is always moving. Like the surface knows what the truth is. Just when you think you see yourself, suddenly, there's someone else and, you wish your mind could move like the water.
Chorus.
Ain't life the sweetest thing? Not a single guarantee. Except that I can always choose to change me.
Chorus.
Fill my rain boots to the brim, trust that happiness will win and, wash my soul in the river.

credits

from Hey Mama, track released November 17, 2013
Song written and performed by Cara Lee. Drums: Jaime Rosenberg. Lead guitar and back up vocals: Jon Jeffrey, Bass: Ron Van Boheemen

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Cara Lee Ontario

My goal is to be silly, take life lightly and share my gifts with as many people as possible. I encourage you to do something you consider to be outrageous and fun today, I try to do that every day, it's my way of keeping life exciting. P.s, smile, because you are awesome, and if you haven't smiled today, then its time to make some changes! ... more

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